When I counted the cost of coming out, I was rather naive thinking that reactions from my loved ones would be black and white. Though I am the same person to myself, I am not the same person to those around me.
Keeping so much of myself hidden, my questions, concerns and deepest struggles–I kept others out and need to allow them the space and the time to find their new normal in this journey.
It’s easy to point the finger at others. To get upset for a lack of empathy and understanding. It’s easy to expect immediate acceptance or immediate abandonment-what I wasn’t ready for was the awkward tense moments.
I wasn’t ready for feeling like it’s inappropriate to discuss my plans for the summer as I will be taking part in the city’s Pride festival as a volunteer, attending a Gay Christian Retreat on the mainland and most likely heading to Pride in Vancouver to meet up with some friends.
I wasn’t ready to feel uncomfortable about asking my straight Christian friends to come with me to some of these things because I’m nervous about going alone, and I certainly wasn’t ready to feel childish for asking my LGBT friends who don’t profess Jesus if they’re going.
Before coming out, I knew that the social norms were. I knew what was expected of me–even though I felt caged and like I was a double agent for the losing team. Now it’s a whole new ball game. I don’t know when I am being “too much”, I don’t know if there is a “too much” and I certainly don’t want to go around pushing people out of my life by throwing myself in their faces.
What I want is genuine space to figure all of this out. I’ve been spending a lot of time reading, reflecting and just on my own. I’m missing connection. I feel ready to get back out in the social scene but I am completely unsure where I fit.
An LGBT Christian.